Another Diary???

I'm on my road to new-self exploration (because the anti-depressants are working), and I've since started a diary. I wanted to share the first few diary entries I have written with you.

Note: Sorry if they sound lame.

8/30/06
A diary. Is it just for me or for others to read and marvel at? It's 5:27 am, and I've been up for an hour- that's 5 hours before I usually get up. Am I going to need a nap later? Am I awake filled with anxiety or excitement- excitement for a new life without sadness, excited about starting student teaching in just one day? I know I'll make it through it, despite what my fellow student teachers think of their own fates, or what the EDU staff at UWGB thinks. Striking fear into our hearts, those Nazi bastards. And to think that I was a part of the "striking fear into their hearts" process. Stupid, condescending fellow classmates- "this class is going to be sooooo painful". Why didn't I tell them it wasn't that bad? Or was I the only one in existence that felt or will ever feel that way?
I can't wait for fall and that familiar chill of nature in the morning. I'm excited about feeling that chill every single morning as I work my way to Valley View (Elementary School)- wow.... I just let go of all my anxiety for student teaching. Should I have? There's that word "should" again. I Should be sleeping right now. My bird Should not be awake with me right now. My cat Should not be so close to my bird right now.
God... I can't wait for those beautiful colors. I want to go up to Washington Island and stay at that hotel with the culinary school attached to it. Even the idea of all the leaves turning around it gives me the chills. My God- that would be soooo beautiful and breathtaking.
I wanted to see the sunrise this morning. The view that I have from my apartment is much like the one that I had from my old house. Still so much pain. I could hear the birds then- waking up, going to sleep. All the green of summer and all of the colors of fall. I wonder what they would feel like to take in now. So much has changed since then. How didn't I notice that my parents didn't nurture me? Denial is such a powerful state of mind. In high school, I used to think that I had better relationships with my parents then everyone else. Is that a result of the freedom or lack of rules? So much to fix, so much to think about. How am I supposed to heal? - when I have these expectations of my parents still? I feel like their change of heart, mind, and soul is just around the corner. Why did my mom call me the other day??? Did my sister tell her everything; did my mom feel like she opened up to me the other day, and this is finally IT?
So much self-discovery, so little time. I think I need that little space (or room) now that Sharon (a psychic from MI who married Ryan and Celia) told me about - a little room. To gather my thoughts. I'll be sure to secure one when looking for an apartment in the Madison area. Am I going to have time for self-discovery? I'll make time. It sounds weird, but I LOVE myself enough now that I'll take all the time that I need. Maybe that's what Sarah C. was all about. She wasn't lazy; she just took the time to love herself. I think I owe her an apology. It's about time we had a long talk. It's about time that I had a long talk with a lot of people. God- I missed out on sooo much. How will I ever make up for 15 years of not seeing any beauty in life, when I'm only 22 years old? ......... In my children. I will fill them with so much love that it will be coming out of all of their orifices. Who knows, maybe they will fill my world with so much beauty that it will make up for all of those years. Sooooo many years.

9/2/06
Who is this person I've become? Loving every moment and every breath that I take. I feel connected to other human beings. I have interesting, genuine conversations with complete strangers. I care about their well-being. I don't have social anxiety anymore. I never knew that I could or deserved feeling like this. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel beautiful and kind and giving and deserving of everything this world has to offer and more. I want to enjoy everything. I want to take in all of the beauty of the world. BEAUTY. I never knew what it meant before. I find beauty in almost every moment. I'm still irritable, I'm still sassy, I still have road rage. BUT I am happy and I feel complete. I just can't wait to get over with student teaching- I WANT MY OWN CLASSROOM AND STUDENTS! I will love each one of them as my own. I can't wait for them to see beauty in the only thing I could see beauty in my darkness- sweet music.
Darkness- it was darker than that Lava Tube in Oregon. Darker than the vast depths of the ocean- and deeper too. So deep and buried in the depths of my mind. So many fake smiles, so many breakdowns. My heart ached so much. I cannot believe in hindsight that I didn't just reach out for help. I look at other people with depression or anxiety in disgust. I think to myself- Why ... why don't they just get help? I see their kids, and I see how their anxiety and depression affect them. I feel their hurt- the childrens' and the parents'. Such a hateful, hurtful world we live in sometimes. If only everyone in the world could stop and smell the flowers at some point every day.
I never want to feel worthless ever, ever again. I want to have babies and make them understand that they deserve the world. They will receive kisses and hugs every day from me. I will be there to witness every single accomplishment. Because they deserve my unconditional love, no matter what. I love them so much and they don't even exist yet. I can see my life ahead of me and the future is so bright. I can't see it- but it's definitely NOT filled with darkness.